Tequila Mockingbird Read online

  Kumquat, for garnish

  Warning: you’re gonna need a bigger glass. Combine the whiskey and lemon-lime soda over ice in a highball glass. Grab some fishing tackle (looks like a fish; has a hook), give it a soapy scrubbing, and then bait ’n’ float your kumquat. Alternatively, lose the glass and fill a fisherman’s flask. Just don’t sip and sail.

  THE MALTED FALCON

  THE MALTESE FALCON (1930)

  BY DASHIELL HAMMETT

  Unless you’re a senior at P.D.U. (that’s Private Detective University), ninety bucks says you skipped The Maltese Falcon, a popular pulpy novel that became a gun-for-gun film retelling with Humphrey Bogart as a cynical spy for hire. Though it may read like a series of stereotypes today, Dashiell Hammett’s shady cast of femmes fatales and jewel thieves practically wrote the playbook for crime fiction—and the subsequent film noir boom it helped get off the ground. Speaking of which, our simple swill will have you flying higher than a falcon figurine. Slam with suspicion, ’cause this one goes down as gritty and unsentimental as any good private eye.

  8 ounces malt liquor

  1½ ounces butterscotch liqueur

  Pour the malt liquor into a chilled pint glass, and the liqueur into a shot glass. Drop the entire shot, including the glass, into the malt liquor, and . . . uh . . . “enjoy.” Now, watch the door and keep one finger on the metaphorical trigger. You’re staying in for the night after one of these.

  TWENTY THOUSAND LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA BREEZE

  TWENTY THOUSAND LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA (1870)

  BY JULES VERNE

  Translated, adapted, sometimes even copied (see: Finding Nemo, among others), this dazzling adventure by Jules Verne, the French father of science fiction, was shockingly prescient in its depiction of future underwater technologies. A time-tested tale of “Boy meets fish, fish turns out to be secret submarine, submarine never lets boy leave because now he knows too much,” Twenty Thousand Leagues sends readers into chilly ocean depths, where they meet eccentric scientists, memorable sea monsters, and one very unforgiving whirlpool. Swirl up your grandfather’s Sea Breeze recipe with a little carbonation—and settle old scores by serving this one with calamari.

  1½ ounces vodka

  2 ounces grapefruit juice

  2 ounces cranberry juice

  1 (12-ounce) can club soda

  Combine the vodka and juices over ice in a highball glass, and fill to the top with the club soda. Drink slowly to avoid the bends—and come up for air every now and then, diver boy.

  LORD PIMM

  LORD JIM (1899)

  BY JOSEPH CONRAD

  If it ain’t broke, recycle your narrator. You remember Marlow, the complicated Englishman of Conrad’s earlier Heart of Darkness? (Don’t get too cocky, it was only ten recipes ago.) Marlow’s baaaack, this time telling another man’s tale. Jim is a young seaman who fancies himself a hero—only to abandon a ship full of Mecca-bound pilgrims when tragedy literally strikes. (Note: if you wanna make some serious coin, go back a hundred years and write about conflicted men at sea.) Told out of chronological order in an innovative, multi-narrator format, Lord Jim can nonetheless get a tad stuffy. Spice these Brits up with a famous English beverage that’ll turn any host into a hero.

  1 cucumber, sliced thin into wheels, including 1 wedge for garnish

  2 ounces Pimm’s No. 1

  1 (12-ounce) can lemon-lime soda

  Lemon wedge, for garnish

  Place several cucumber wheels in a Collins glass, fill with ice, and pour in the Pimm’s. Fill to the top with lemon-lime soda, squeeze and drop a lemon wedge into the glass, and garnish with a cucumber for serious cred. And for the love of Triton: serve women and childlike adults first.

  THE SOUND AND THE SLURRY

  THE SOUND AND THE FURY (1929)

  BY WILLIAM FAULKNER

  A southern family’s tragic downfall told from three distinct voices—with a final, omniscient chapter—The Sound and the Fury became popular only after one of Faulkner’s later novels took off. With unreliable narrators who zigzag between suicidal impulses, mental handicaps, and an eye-crossing usage of italics, this one may have helped earn its author a Nobel, but it’s no beach read. Set in a fictional Mississippi town dealing with very factual post–Civil War growing pains, The Sound inspires a cocktail that hangs on furiously to a traditional southern recipe—because some things are best left unexamined.

  2 ounces gin

  ½ ounce crème de cassis

  ½ ounce lemon juice

  Shake the ingredients with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. Alternatively, serve on the rocks—just like your last family reunion.

  PART

  3

  BEVVIES FOR BOOK CLUBS

  “Too much of anything is bad, but too much Champagne is just right.”

  —Mark Twain

  Uh-oh. Your turn to host that well-intentioned book club again? Worried your idea of literature (Nicholas Sparks) might not live up to the group’s (Nicholas Nickleby)? Relax. Any of the following time-tested classics should inspire both a hot debate and a cool drink. Hell, die-hard Dewey decimal devotees can always benefit from a little loosening up come critique time. After all, a party can only stay seated for so long.

  FAHRENHEIT 151

  FAHRENHEIT 451 (1953)

  BY RAY BRADBURY

  It ain’t about censorship, kids! Bradbury’s then-futuristic Fahrenheit 451 (the temperature at which a book burns) is about a truly unthinkable society in which technology reigns supreme and books go bye-bye. Written in the fifties but ringing eerily true today, Fahrenheit’s world stars firemen who start the flames, setting the written word afire and sniffing out pesky, law-breaking readers. Serve up a burning-hot party drink to toast the peerless printed page—hey, you don’t wanna spill rum on a Kindle. Soon as this one’s ready to serve, disconnect the crock pot (and all your iGadgets) and reconnect with your party.

  MAKES ABOUT 10 DRINKS

  6 cups apple cider

  1 cup cranberry juice

  1 cup orange juice

  1 cup pineapple juice

  6 cloves

  4 cinnamon sticks

  8 ounces rum (like Bacardi 151)

  Pour the ingredients, except the rum, into a crock pot. Warm for approximately 1 hour, or until heated through. After everyone has turned in their cell phones, unplug the pot and add the rum. Give it a stir and ladle away.

  GONE WITH THE WINE

  GONE WITH THE WIND (1936)

  BY MARGARET MITCHELL

  When Margaret Mitchell proclaimed that Wind was a story of survival, she was likely referring to her heroine, Scarlett O’Hara, who starts off a southern belle and ends up losing the hoop skirt to scavenge for food. You’ll call yourself a survivor, too, when you get through the thousand-odd pages. A Pulitzer winner for the plucky Mitchell—her second marriage was to the best man at her first wedding—Wind is an enduring moneymaker. Gather a group, skip the movie, scour the book, and cool off a boiling discussion with this sangria: red as the earth of Tara and packed with proper Georgia peaches.

  MAKES ABOUT 6 DRINKS

  1 bottle red wine (about 3 cups)

  2 ounces peach brandy

  2 tablespoons sugar

  1 peach, chopped into cute little squares

  1 orange, cut into bite-size wedges

  2½ cups ginger ale, chilled

  Pour the wine, brandy, sugar, and fruits into a large pitcher and stir. Place the pitcher in the fridge and allow to infuse for at least an hour. When guests need a break—you’ll know, because somebody will refer to Ashley as a girl; this person did not read the book—top the pitcher off with ginger ale and serve over ample ice. It’s cool-down time.

  THE RYE IN THE CATCHER

  THE CATCHER IN THE RYE (1951)

  BY J. D. SALINGER

  The most celebrated work by a legendarily reclusive author, The Catcher in the Rye spoke directly to the disenchanted, angsty youth of the fifties—and still echoes vibrantly to
first-time novelists who pray their coming-of-age protagonist will be favorably compared to Holden Caulfield. Narrating from a mental ward, Caulfield colorfully recounts his times in and out of prep school, chasing (and getting rebuffed by) prostitutes, while gaining bloody noses, enemies, and overnights on train station benches. Throw together a traditional Christmas punch for an untraditional Christmas story: much of Catcher takes place at the holidays, and this one ought to lift the spirits of your crankiest elf.

  MAKES ABOUT 8 DRINKS

  ½ bottle (about 1½ cups) rye whiskey

  4 ounces pineapple juice

  2 ounces lemon juice

  1 liter ginger beer

  Add the whiskey and juices to a punch bowl with a big ol’ hunk of ice (page 7). Stir in the ginger beer and gather your pals. Time to chase those blues away.

  THE ADVENTURES OF SHERBET HOLMES

  THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES (1891–92)

  BY SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE

  Pro-tip: “Elementary, my dear Watson” was never exactly spoken by Sherlock Holmes. Conan Doyle’s beloved sleuth appeared on the big screen saying that phrase, but not on the page; he was too busy being the only detective who could crack a case from the comfort of his armchair. We take a tip from a lesser-known story that appeared alongside twelve others in a blazingly popular magazine series: raise a glass to “The Blue Carbuncle,” a Holmes whodunit involving a goose with a very expensive gem lodged very inconveniently in its neck. After you trade jewels for berries, the only remaining mystery will be why you’ve never made this party pleaser before.

  MAKES ABOUT 10 DRINKS

  1 quart berry sherbet

  1 bottle (about 3 cups) Champagne, chilled

  1 liter ginger ale

  ½ cup fresh blueberries, washed, for garnish

  Empty the sherbet into a punch bowl and pour the Champagne and ginger ale on top. Float the blueberries and serve. Don’t leave the room for long—you’ll return to a fast-empty bowl and a classic whodrunkit.

  THE PITCHER OF DORIAN GREY GOOSE

  THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY (1890)

  BY OSCAR WILDE

  Boy, did this book have it all: knife fights, magic paintings, and (spoiler alert!) people who never age. Wilde wasn’t just ahead of the cosmetic surgery boom here—he also pushed the envelope on homoeroticism, resulting in widespread censorship in later versions of the book. Try getting your hands on the juicy early copies of Dorian, and then gather a group of aging beauty queens (or simply aging queens), who’ll be guaranteed to love our hedonistic youth serum. Just keep them away from your expensive art.

  MAKES ABOUT 8 DRINKS

  10 sprigs fresh mint, washed

  1 (12-ounce) can frozen lemonade concentrate

  2 cups vodka (like Grey Goose)

  Cucumber, sliced into wheels, for garnish

  Tear the mint, then place in the pitcher. Add the lemonade concentrate and stir until thawed. Pour in the vodka and 3 cups cold water and stir. Serve over ice, garnish with the cucumber wheels, and remember: age before beauty—if anyone will fess up.

  THE PORTRAIT OF A PINK LADY

  THE PORTRAIT OF A LADY (1880–81)

  BY HENRY JAMES

  A woman’s liberty is at the pink, beating heart of Henry James’s transatlantic novel, one of his finest in a life measured in words rather than women (James was an avowed celibate). Of course, Victorian-era independence is different from Victoria’s Secret–era independence, and rather than go sad and single, the heroine chooses the least terrible suitor she can find and ends up wealthy, wed—and woeful. Our variation on a classic cocktail is best served to a group of ladies holding out for Mr. Right—or even just plain right—no matter how many sweethearts they may have to sift through.

  MAKES ABOUT 12 DRINKS

  1 liter gin

  3 cups pink lemonade

  6 ounces grenadine syrup (page 11)

  1 liter club soda

  Combine the ingredients, except the club soda, in a big punch bowl. Show off a little by adding one of those big, glamorous blocks of ice (page 7). Stir in the bubbles and sip away the troubles; the grass is always pinker on the other side of this cocktail.

  THE JOY LUCK CLUB SODA

  THE JOY LUCK CLUB (1989)

  BY AMY TAN

  Ah, legacy. If you’ve heard Grandma tell the story of the first time she ever saw your Pap Pap, huddled with his doofy cadets on the other side of the dance hall, his eyes planted firmly on Grandma’s ample bosom . . . come to think of it, Pap Pap was a perv. Point is, Amy Tan’s multigenerational Chinese saga—recounted by a veritable family reunion of narrators—is one that anyone with a verbose relative can relate to. Nothing gets a story primed like a pair of loose lips. Pull out those war photos and get busy mixing up this variation on a popular Chinese restaurant standby, sweet as a fortune cookie and twice as lucky.

  MAKES ABOUT 4 DRINKS

  1½ cups light rum

  1½ cups orange juice

  ½ cup club soda

  ¼ cup lemon juice

  2 ounces brandy

  2 ounces orgeat syrup

  Add the ingredients, plus two handfuls ice, to a festive bowl. Grab four straws and get gabbing—perhaps finally asking Pap Pap how Grandma got the nickname “Anytime Alice.” Actually . . . perhaps not.

  PART

  4

  REFRESHMENTS FOR RECOVERING READERS

  “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

  —Ernest Hemingway

  Every group needs a designated driver, but sometimes even a hard-core hooch hound feels like taking it a little easy. In this section, we pulled our most beloved kid-lit classics off the shelf, figuring simpler times call for simpler addictions. Whether for hangovers or just hangouts, these nonalcoholic drinks are a tribute to the kinds of stories that hold up so beautifully, you’ll want to reread them with totally clear eyes. Pull the covers over your head and grab a flashlight, a friend, and a handful of ice cubes. And then? Lights out!

  CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FAKE-TINI

  CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1964)

  BY ROALD DAHL

  The book that made us all long for our own golden ticket, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was Roald Dahl’s triumphant tribute to treats. Featuring an enigmatic chocolatier who has captured England’s attention, Charlie finds five children, including our title character, winning a lucky pass inside the secret dessert lair, where the walls are lickable and the workers are orange (in early editions, Dahl’s Oompa-Loompas were black pygmies, which didn’t go over so hot with critics). No problem: later editions got politically correct, just in time for grown-ups and children alike to embrace all things Wonka. Take a dip into a chocolate martini that loses the liquor, entirely suitable for curious kiddos—and their chaperones, too.

  Cocoa powder, for cocktail rim (page 7)

  1 Hershey’s Kiss

  1½ ounces chocolate syrup

  1½ ounces light cream

  Rim a chilled cocktail glass in cocoa powder. Drop a Hershey’s Kiss on the bottom. Shake the remaining ingredients with ice and strain over the candy. Prepare for pure imagination.

  PEAR THE WILD THINGS ARE

  WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (1963)

  BY MAURICE SENDAK

  Widely considered the children’s book of all time, Where the Wild Things Are is the fantastical story of one boy’s giant imagination, turning time-out in his bedroom into a trip to an island kingdom—complete with canoes, monsters, and one humbled temper. Believe it or not, this Caldecott-winning contemporary classic was banned widely when it first debuted—apparently parents and librarians didn’t take a shine to such an angry child protagonist—but the kids didn’t listen, sending Sendak to the top of their reading piles. Tame your own wild night out (not to mention that monster headache) with a hangover cure that’ll stand the test of time.

  4 ounces pear juice

  2 ounces lemonade

  2 ou
nces ginger ale

  Combine the pear juice and lemonade over ice in a highball glass, then add the ginger ale. Now slip on your wolf PJs, draw the shades, and nurse that brain back to earth.

  THE PHANTOM TOLLJUICE

  THE PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH (1961)

  BY NORTON JUSTER

  You’d think a fantasy this trippy woulda been written in the seventies. We all remember Milo, bored to tears with suburban life till a mystical tollbooth arrives in his bedroom. Milo hops into his toy car and drives on through, ending up in the Land of Doldrums (and you thought the Midwest was a yawn). He’s not there long, because there are maps to ignore, damsels to rescue, and clock-hawking hounds to befriend. Take your own trip back to summer camp, the boredom-busting destination where a mysterious “bug juice” has been served for eons. Reverse the clock with a color-changing cocktail that trades spirits for spirit.

  MAKES ABOUT 8 DRINKS

  1 packet powdered juice drink (like Kool-Aid, any flavor)

  ½ cup sugar

  1 liter club soda

  Lime, chopped into wedges, for garnish

  Mix the Kool-Aid and sugar in a quart of water, then freeze in an ice cube tray. Empty the frozen cubes into cups, top with the club soda, and garnish with the lime wedges. Alternatively, go one cup at a time and save the rest of the cubes for later. Sometimes the best escapes are of the solo (or Solo cup) variety.